thunder only happens when it's raining.

Alaska, it seems, is having a hard time kicking off into summer this year. Green leaves are just now starting to sprout out from the trees and little green prickles of grass are starting to poke through the dead leaves from last fall. This hasn't stopped me from going around and visiting some of my favorite scenic spots around the valley with friends though :)

Hatcherpass! (yes i love my jeep, duuuhhh! btw this picture made Jeeps Pic of the week!)

Yes, we even had a fire down on our road as you can tell from the last picture. It started from a tree landing on some power lines. The fire made it's way into the trees by the time the trucks showed to put the fire out. An Alaskan summer is definitely starting to arrive. Another day or two and it will be bright green everywhere. 

But, what has really been frustrating about this spring is that I haven't started work yet. I've been getting anxious. I planned on going back to school this fall, but it's kinda difficult when money keeps leaving my bank account instead of collecting in it. So, after a lovely chat with my bosses, I've decided to begin a search for a new job. Don't get me wrong, I love where I worked. They just haven't been getting as many contracts this year as they expected. So, school has been put on hold for now hopefully only till January. I just really want to get out of town for a bit. I've been told about a job opportunity out in Dutch Harbor working for pen-air, and I've sent some applications to jobs available in Cordova.  I feel like I'm stuck in a hole and that there's nothing left here in the valley for me for now. Like the only thing that was holding me here was my job.  I want to go plant some roots in another place, meet some new people and develop more character.

I miss changing my location every 4 months like how I did after I graduated high-school. I had fun creating my new identity with each new location.  Temporary locations have a major benefit too.  Drama can be left behind. Getting over heartbreak is easier... "out of sight, out of mind"..... i miss that... a lot. And with the advantages of technology, i can keep in contact with the friends i do love and miss! i love that it's all up to me! I cannot explain how much i LOVE the power of the DELETE button!! Deleting texts, messages... throwing away letters... all before i read them has helped bring closure after a breakup. Oh! and deleting past conversations is really important.... anyway... where was i going with this? oh yes... "out of sight, out of mind". I'm ready for some distance between the valley and I. I guess you can say that I'm scared and I'm a wimp and that I'm just running away from a difficult situation. i'll agree with you. I am scared. I'm a wimp. And I want to take an easier way out... by just leaving.

But moving to another location encourages what is probably my worst trait- that I'm not very good at getting in touch with my feelings. I have this theory that if I open up to anyone those words can and will be used against me. With each experience it gets harder to trust people, it gets harder to believe in humanity, and I build up thick walls to protect myself. I am so concerned about the way people think of me, I try to make it so nobody has a bad thing to say about me by being careful to not rub anyone the wrong way. I have done this for so long now that I don't even allow myself to think about how I really feel. Sometimes, I believe that it's a good way to live. I don't let anyone get close enough to betray me and I have lots of good friends. But..... it also sucks. I don't let anyone get close to me. Even though I have a lot of good pals, I still end up going home feeling alone with my thoughts.

So what am I to do? Keep moving forward. I will probably move somewhere new. There really isn't anything for me to stick around here for (no offense to anyone in the valley).  We'll see what the fates have in store for me. So far this year they have made it interesting.

"Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know"

-Dreams by Fleetwood Mac-

Tired of boys that are a waste of time.

I'm tired of the guys that are too lazy to get off their butts and make a move. I'm tired of the boys that are mean and pick on the girls they like to get their attention. I'm tired of the men who think they are "all that" and want some dream girl that doesn't exist. I'm tired of the guys that think that romance is for wimps. I'm tired of the guys that quit when things get tough. I'm tired of the men that demean women and don't appreciate what they have. I'm tired of the guys that are only interested in sex. I'm tired of the guys that want to just be friends in case something better comes along. I'm tired of the guys that think it's too much effort to spoil their girl. I'm tired of the guys that can't find the balls to tell a girl how special she is and how much she means to him. I'm sick of the guys that lie. I'm tired of guys that want attention from anything that breathes and has breasts. I'm tired of the guys that are possessive, needy, controlling, and psychotic.

I want a man that I can connect with on a intellectual, physical and spiritual level, who loves me for who I am, spoils me like a princess, tells me that I'm gorgeous, tries to make me smile all the time, respectful of people around him, has a positive attitude on life, selfless, forgiving, humble, simple, self reliant, loves family and children, loves the Lord, hard worker, good communicator, loves much and hates little, appreciative, friendly, honest, and most important... Someone who will be right by me through the thick and thin.

And I promise to the man that has these qualities and really truly loves me that I will give him my everything. My soul. My life. My world. I will do all I can to be worthy of such a blessing. I will do my best to make him the happiest man alive. I will stand beside him through anything that gets thrown our way. I will not give up and quit. I promise that I will love him with all my heart, all my might, all my mind, and all my strength. Forever and ever. 

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -Juno